情感虐待的破坏性影响：情感虐待可能通过五种方式影响您的心理健康和幸福

关键点

情感虐待会夺走你的情感安全。

失去安全感会滋生焦虑和恐惧。

遭受情感虐待的人会感到深深的内疚、羞耻和愤怒。

情感虐待之所以如此有害，是因为它的存在时间比其本身更长。它不仅会损害一个人当时的自尊，还会建立一种生活模式，每天攻击他的内心。现在的事件和关系会受到过去负面信息和事件的影响。行为会在不知不觉中被改变，以产生与既定生活模式一致的结果。通过持续的情感攻击，即使是健康的生活模式也会被虐待模式破坏。

当你觉得生活不稳定时，焦虑、紧张和恐惧就会产生。当你所做的一切都似乎不对时，不安全感、内疚和羞愧就会出现。当你不再有精力去对抗这一切时，冷漠和沮丧就会出现。

千万不要让任何人告诉你，情感虐待不会造成伤害。以下是情感虐待可能影响你的心理健康和幸福的五种方式：

1. 缺乏情感安全感。从最基本的层面来说，情感虐待会剥夺你的安全感和价值感。为了给混乱带来秩序，甚至经常性的虐待也可以取代正常的感觉。

孩子们最深切的需求之一就是一致性，包括他们知道自己被爱他们的人无条件地接受和重视。小孩子渴望某些故事的重复性和连续性，故事中反复使用相同的单词或短语。孩子们知道会发生什么，高兴地期待单词或短语的使用，当他们能跟着讲故事的人重复时，他们会觉得自己可以掌控故事。故事总是以同样的方式结束。生活是有秩序的。通过提前知道结局，孩子们有一种安全感。他们学会了做正确的事是什么感觉，知道未来会发生什么，这就产生了一种控制感。

无论是有意还是无意的忽视，在遭受情感虐待后，孩子们很快就会明白，任何事情都有可能发生。针对他们的行为没有界限。没有界限，就没有安全感。身体或言语上的打击随时可能到来。成就可能遭到冷漠、消极被动的漠视，或彻底的攻击性反对。最好不要引起注意。这样生活会更安全。

2. 恐惧和焦虑。安全感的丧失会导致焦虑或恐惧感的持续存在。当你遭受情感虐待时，你会非常害怕这种虐待会发展到何种程度，以及会造成多大的伤害。

你知道没有安全的时刻。你的施虐者可能不在，但他或她可能随时再次出现。尽管昨天你得到的是冷漠的回应，但明天你可能会遭遇暴力。你失去了预期的安全感。你害怕每一天会发生什么。

3. 愧疚和羞愧。虐待的理由多种多样：你很坏、很蠢或不受欢迎。无论理由是什么，你都要为发生在自己身上的事情负责。你对造成虐待负有责任。

你感受到的内疚不是真正的内疚。真正的内疚源自于你对自己的行为及其对自己和他人的影响的现实理解。虚假的内疚是一种压迫性的负担，它不是基于现实，而是基于他人扭曲的观点、想法和态度。情感虐待会将这些扭曲的观点转移到你身上，并产生令人麻木、行动受阻的羞耻感。

对于某些人来说，对虐待感到愧疚似乎是一个毁灭性的决定，事实也确实如此。但它也有一些非常实际的用途。对于遭受情感虐待的人来说，愧疚源于对世界及其所包含的一切的恐惧。起初，这种情况的发生毫无道理，但后来愧疚感占据了上风。你觉得自己有责任。也许你会想，“坏事发生在我身上是因为我不好。”通过抓住你的愧疚感，你实际上是在试图重新掌控自己的生活。

4.愤怒。当安全感消失，当每天都要面对恐惧，当内疚和羞耻的沉重负担压垮精神，当希望在绝望的冲击中破灭，通常唯一的回应方式就是愤怒。虐待的不公正最终要求受虐者饱受摧残的心灵以愤怒作出回应。

这种愤怒和怒气可能具有爆发性和毁灭性，在释放时会朝着相反的方向发展。受虐待者的这种愤怒往往指向内心。每天都有“证据”证明他们完全不值得，受情感虐待的人可能会把挫败感转向自己。

5. 抑郁症。据说抑郁症只是愤怒向内转化。遭受情感虐待的人往往会放弃情感，因为情感已被证明具有如此大的破坏性。他们被他人的情绪击垮，并被自己的情绪所击穿。没有安全感——只有愤怒、恐惧、羞耻和内疚。

应对情感虐待并保持乐观需要耗费大量精力。每次情感攻击都会消耗掉这些精力。有些人根本无力应对堆积在他们身上的虐待。当这种情况发生时，他们就会陷入抑郁的深渊。

他们无法摆脱愤怒、恐惧、羞耻和内疚，于是试图压抑自己的所有情绪。由于看不到出路，他们只能蜷缩起来，与他人隔绝，世界崩溃。

情感虐待会夺走你的身份。它会夺走你本性中所有美好、积极的特质，并试图用虚假的事实和负面形象取而代之。它试图劫持你的个人权力和自我意识，以造福和控制你的施虐者。这是错误的。

意识到自己遭受情感虐待的本质，就像从一场漫长而可怕的噩梦中醒来一样。在为遭受情感虐待的人提供咨询的过程中，他们会逐渐停止否认、原谅或回避虐待的真相。然后，就可以开始制定治疗计划了。

勇于面对困难问题会带来希望，从而打开改变的心扉。克服过去遭受虐待的经历并开始真正为未来而活是可能的。

The Damaging Effects of Emotional Abuse

Five ways emotional abuse can impact your mental health and well-being.

KEY POINTS

Emotional abuse robs you of emotional security.

Losing a sense of secuirty breeds anxiety and fear.

The emotionally abused can feel deep guilt, shame, and anger.

Emotional abuse is so damaging because it outlives its own life span. Not only does it damage a person’s self-esteem at the time it is done, it also sets up a life pattern that daily assaults the inner being. Present events and relationships are filtered through the negative messages and events of the past. Behavior is unknowingly modified to produce results consistent with the established life pattern. Through continued emotional assault, even a healthy life pattern can be subverted by an abusive one.

When you view life as unstable—anxiety, tension, and fear result. When nothing you do ever seems to be right—insecurity, guilt, and shame set in. And when you stop having the energy to fight it all—apathy and depression can become present.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that emotional abuse is not damaging. Below are five ways it can impact your mental health and well-being.

1. Lack of emotional security. At the most basic level, emotional abuse robs you of your sense of security and value. In an attempt to bring order to chaos, even the regularity of abuse can be substituted for a sense of what is normal.

One of the deepest needs of children is consistency, including the certain knowledge that they are unconditionally accepted and valued by those who love them. Small children crave the repetition and constant nature of certain stories in which the same words or phrases are used over and over again. Children learn what to expect, anticipate with delight the coming use of the word or phrase, and feel in control of the story when they can repeat along with the storyteller. The story always ends the same way. Life has order. By knowing the ending in advance, children have a sense of security and safety. They learn how it feels to be right and know what lies ahead, and this produces a sense of control.

With emotional abuse, whether through purposeful or inadvertent neglect, children soon learn that anything is possible. There are no boundaries for behavior directed toward them. And when there are no boundaries, there is no security. A physical or verbal blow can come at any time. Accomplishments can be met with apathy, passive-aggressive indifference, or outright aggressive disapproval. It is best to be left unnoticed. Life is safer that way.

2. Fear and anxiety. A loss of security leads to an ever-present feeling of anxiety or fear. When you are in the midst of being emotionally abused, you have a very real fear of how far the abuse will go and how damaging it will be.

You learn there are no safe moments. Your abuser may be absent, but he or she may reappear at any time. Though you were met with an apathetic response yesterday, you may be met with violent outrage tomorrow. You are robbed of the security of anticipation. You fear what each day will hold.

3. Guilt and shame. The reason given for the abuse varies: You are bad, stupid, or unwanted. No matter the reason provided, you are to blame for what is happening to you. You are guilty of causing the abuse.

The guilt you are feeling is not true guilt. True guilt is brought on by the realistic understanding of your behavior and its consequences to yourself and others. False guilt is an oppressive burden that is not based on reality but on the warped views, ideas, and attitudes of others. Emotional abuse transfers those warped views onto you, and they produce mind-numbing, action-paralyzing shame.

For some people, assuming guilt for the abuse might seem to be a devastating decision, and it is. But it also has some very practical uses. For the person who has been emotionally abused, guilt is born out of a sense of fear of the world and what it holds. At first it makes no sense that this should be happening, but then guilt takes over. You feel responsible. Maybe you think, “Bad things happen to me because I am bad.” By latching onto your guilt, you are really attempting to take back control of your life.

4. Anger. When security is gone, when fear must be dealt with on a daily basis, when the oppressive weight of guilt and shame crushes the spirit, when hope is extinguished in the rush of despair, often the only way to respond is with anger. The injustice of the abuse eventually demands the response of rage from the battered psyche of the abused person.

This rage and anger can be explosive and consuming, taking opposite directions upon release. Often in the abused person this anger is directed inward. Presented daily with “proof” of their total unworthiness, the emotionally abused can turn the frustration on themselves.

5. Depression. It is said that depression is only anger turned inward. Emotionally abused people often give up on emotions, since emotions have proven to be so damaging. They have been beaten down by the emotions of others and struck through the heart by their own emotions in response. No safety—just anger, fear, shame, and guilt.

It takes a great deal of energy to deal with emotional abuse and stay buoyant. Each emotional assault takes its toll on that store of energy. Some people simply run out of strength to climb the mound of abuse heaped upon them. When that happens, they slip into the pit of depression.

Unable to escape from anger, fear, shame, and guilt, they attempt to shut down all of their emotions. With no visible way out, they curl into themselves, isolating themselves from others and imploding their world.

Emotional abuse steals away your identity. It sucks up all of the wonderful, positive characteristics of your true nature and seeks to replace them with false truths and negative images. It attempts to hijack the personal power and sense of self for the benefit and control of your abuser. It’s wrong.

Realizing the nature of your emotional abuse may seem like waking up after a long and terrible nightmare. In the course of counseling those with emotional abuse, a time comes when they stop denying, excusing, or avoiding the truth of the abuse. Then, a plan for healing can begin.

Having the courage to face difficult issues will result in hope, which opens the heart to change. It is possible to get over a past in which you suffered abuse and begin to really live for the future.